having it all was too much

First off, let me say that I am beyond amazed that so many of you tune into my little blog each week. My goal when I launched was to have 10 readers in the first month. Not quite 2 months in and simplyCRAFTED has passed 6,000 hits. 6,000 times someone has thought, "huh. this might be more interesting than whatever else I'm doing right now." It's humbling and I am so very grateful. Many of you have reached out through email, Facebook, phone, and even good o'l face to face conversations to tell me about how you can relate or are going through something similar to what I'm babbling about. 

I think what strikes a chord with so many of you is this epic, ongoing struggle of trying to cram everything into our lives and just not having enough time (or energy) to do it. For me, it was the pull between doing the creative work that I love vs. spending time with my family (whom I of course also love). For some of you, it may be the same age old work/life balance dilemma. For others it might be the desire to follow your own dreams vs. what others expect of you. And there are countless other combinations that I don't know about.

Whatever the reason, we all have a deep seeded need to live a fulfilling life, to find and live out our purpose, and also to pay the bills (minor detail) which drives most of us to overcommitt and over stretch ourselves to try and squeeze it all in - sometimes to the breaking point.

There is no one size fits all answer to this conundrum. If I had it, I'd be a gozillionaire. Not to go all Sheryl Sandberg on you, but women tend to struggle with this more, I think, because of how we are wired. Through my own observations (not like actual science or anything) I've noticed that we tend to be people pleasers more than men. We don't want to let people down or be the reason they are not happy. If you're in a relationship, you may put the needs of your spouse first. And in a marriage, God calls us to that, so it's not like you're doing anything wrong per se. If you're a mom, add to this the biological wiring that draws us to our kids. We have insane amounts of guilt when we miss both the big things and little things in their lives. 

So we go, and we do, and then we go some more. And we burn out. 

For me, "having it all" was just too much. I didn't want it all. I just wanted the best stuff, and to cut out - as much as realistically possible - all of the things that were distracting from that. In short, I wanted to simplify.

And because of this, I've decided to share my crazy (and quite possibly way too honest) story about how I got to this place. In my first blog post, I alluded to some of what factored into my decision to stay home.  I'm going to fill in the blanks now because I know some of you need to hear it. Some of you are feeling like you've lost your way, just like I did. It's a long story, and there are parts of it that are probably going to ruffle some feathers. But I started this blog to share my journey. The real version. So here goes nothing...

the early career years

All my life, I had always pictured myself as a stay at home mom. It came as quite a surprise to me as I became successful in my career. I never saw myself as a career woman, but there I was. I was doing it. And loving it. But there was this voice in the back of my mind that kept reminding me that the clock was ticking, and that my career was, in a way, just filling the time between now and when I became a mom. 

It was 2010. I was 5 years into my career, and in what was possibly the strangest week of my life, I found out that I had been promoted to a shareholder in my firm the very same week we decided that we were ready to have a baby. To say that the promotion was completely out of the blue is the understatement of the century. I thought I was years away from even being considered. I honestly thought I was being called into the CEO's office to be fired. I didn't know what I had done, but that was the only possibility that I could conceive of. I was humbled...and anxious. I knew we wanted to have kids soon, and I knew I wanted to stay at home. I seriously considered turning it down, knowing in my heart that I may not be there to see it through. But after much prayer and discussion with the Hubs, I accepted. I didn't know it then, but it was one of the best decisions I would ever make.

the henry years, or, the great balancing act

Three months later, I was pregnant (hooray!). For the next 9 months, I poured myself into my career, but there was still this nagging feeling that it may all be over after he was born. Henry was born in 2011, and I was completely in love. I desperately wanted to stay home with him. A month before my leave was up, I was combing through our budget, trying to find a way to make it happen. Then the Hubs' contract job ended, and we had zero income. There was obviously no way we could afford for me to stay home. We didn't 'know how long he would be out of work (remember that whole recession thing?) and we needed the money. So I put on my big girl shoes and went back to work.

For the first month, it was completely and utterly excruciating. I cried to and from the office every day. I cried when I would lock myself in the mothers' room to pump for my baby three times a day. I was miserable. But after some time, and landing one particularly spectacular client, things got a lot better.

My saving grace was that I had 2 female bosses who had kids, and they totally got it. They even let me work from home one day a week, which was unprecedented for our firm. It saved my sanity. Every Friday I got to cuddle with my baby on one arm, laptop in the other, cell phone on my ear, and get the job done.  We also happened upon a nanny that stayed home with Henry until he was nearly a year old, and then he transitioned into a great daycare. He wasn't sad or mistreated. He was fine. More than fine. He was thriving. 

From 2011 to 2012, I balanced (as best I could) the demands of work and family. Some days I made it look easy and I felt like I really had it under control. Other days, I felt like a total fraud; like I was failing at home, or failing at work, or often times both. But I'm a positive person, and I truly believe that happiness is a choice. So I got up each day and decided to be happy. Most days, it really worked. 

In hindsight, I'm grateful that I went back to work after Henry. 2011-2013 saw the most fruitful and fulfilling years of my career. I got to work with amazing clients, be on a team with an extraordinarily talented group of people, and gain confidence and leadership skills that I otherwise would never have acquired. Skills that, strangely enough, totally translate to my now more domesticated life. 

But there was still the ache. 

The ache of missing my baby. The ache that I was missing my true calling. It was profound. It was deep. And it was always there.

the big decision

Fast forward to December 27th, 2012. I was on vacation for Christmas.  We were all three sitting in the living room together, playing. I was having the time of my life with my sweet then 20 month old Henry when it hit me like a ton of bricks how much I was truly missing. Like a flood, all of the thoughts and desires that I'd been trying to supress washed over me. My entire life I can always remember wanting to be a mom. And for me, my full time job (which, mind you, I loved) was just not affording me the time to be the mom I wanted to be. 

Now don't misread me here. I'm not saying there's a right or wrong way to being a mom. I'm not saying that you have to be a stay at home mom to be doing it right. Far from it. What I AM saying is that what I was doing wasn't working for ME. I've been the working mom, I've been the stay at home mom. Both are great. Both are hard. There's no one size fits all approach. 

So I broke out the spreadsheets and realized that if we reduced our monthly expenses - fairly substantially - we could potentially afford for me to stay home. We let the idea percolate for about a week to be sure we weren't being crazy (avoiding one of those rash - I should totally get a tattoo/fly to Vegas/cut my own bangs - type of decisions). We sought council. We talked to our parents. We talked to our financial planner. We prayed, and prayed, and for a change of pace prayed some more, asking God to open doors if we were doing the right thing, and slam them if we weren't. 

Then we got to work.  

We spoke with a Realtor after the first of the year (now 2013). Within 3 months we had sold and moved out of our first home and were pregnant with Max. We slashed our spending and started paying our bills from just one income. My income went towards savings and fixing up the new house. A few of you have emailed me asking how exactly we did this - how we managed to reduce to one income so that I can stay home. I'm working on a blog post with the true nuts and bolts of how we cut our expenses nearly in half. Stay tuned.

Then in August of 2013, the Hubs' job hit a road bump and he didn't have work for an entire month. Contract type jobs can be that way. His job has always had ebbs and flows, but they had never lasted for more than a week or two. It was fine since I was still working, but it freaked me out. We (I) got scared and changed the plan. I would return to work full time after my maternity leave. I continued throwing myself into work, spearheading initiatives and going full force. Henry was in the throws of the terrible twos, and coupled with my pregnancy hormones, I was a total mess.

Seriously. Like friends and loved ones were really worried about me. I cried at work nearly every morning after the ordeal of dropping Henry off at daycare. I literally had to drag him into the building most days, kicking and screaming. And going home wasn't any better. I had to drag him out and force him into his car seat. Him in a full on tantrum. Me with an ever growing baby bump. Truth-gun to my head, most days I actually wanted to be at the office more than at home. Henry was defiant and at times downright hateful towards us. I could barely remember why I had wanted to be a stay at home mom in the first place.

the max years, or, finally finding my way

In November of 2013, we welcomed sweet little Maxwell Ford into our family. I spent the first month as any new mom does - in survival mode. Sustaining on little sleep and lots of coffee. Once I started to get the swing of this two kid thing, I started to tackle all of the projects around that house that I wanted done before I headed back to work in February.

Then one day in January, after seeing some of my coworkers at a kiddo's birthday party, it just hit me like an anvil on poor Wyle E. Coyote's head. WHAT WAS I DOING?! I was exactly where I wanted to be at home. Snuggling with babies, cooking, crafting, and all of the other wonderful things I never had time for. I was on the verge of missing the chance to fulfill my calling.

I walked into our room and announced to the Hubs that I didn't want to go back to work. "Hallelujah" was his exact reaction. It's what he wanted too, but he didn't want to push me into the decision. He's sweet like that.

I met with my boss and friend to deliver the difficult news that I wouldn't be returning. I knew I was going to miss work. The firm is fantastic, the people are amazing, and the work is engaging and beautiful. A great recipe. I knew I was doing the right thing for me and my family, but I was still sick to my stomach. I loved my job, and although I wanted to be at home, nothing in life is really that simple. I knew I would miss my job and my coworkers deeply.

Then, the most incredible and unexpected thing happened that affirmed everything that I'd been hoping and praying for. They let me stay on, part time, and exclusively from home. I could contribute on an as needed basis, when they needed help and when my schedule allowed. I am able to stay connected to my firm and my Team (who after nine years are basically extended family) so that if I ever want to come back full time, the door will hopefully be open. Saying that I'm grateful for this gig doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm happy to be a part of such a forward thinking company with wonderfully compassionate leaders.


the moral of the story

That brings us to today. Full time mom, part time Interior Designer, part time blogger, and all the time happy (OK, most of the time happy). I am so very grateful to be living the life I have now. In my opinion, I have the best of both worlds. Did I blow all future upward mobility at my firm? Possibly. But it was never really about that for me.

I know not everyone has the luxury of having all their ducks fall in a row like I did. Not every company is going to provide this kind of flexibility. But the lesson I hope you gleaned from the story was that I worked hard to get what I wanted. Nobody just came to me and offered to give me everything I had ever dreamed of. I had to craft those opportunities. And of course, there was was a huge measure of God intervention and wonderful people who care about me that made it all come together.

You may not be able to convince your company to let you work from home and drastically reduce your hours. You may not even want that. Leaving your full time job to stay at home with kids, blog, and do design work by the hour is probably not your solution. If it is, we should totally hang out. More likely than not, it's a less drastic change.

I just want to say to the other folks out there that might feel like it's all too much that you're not alone. It's OK to feel over stretched and overwhelmed and over committed. But you have to DO something about it, because nobody is going to fix it for you. You have to figure out what it is that you truly want, and be intentional about spending more of your time doing it. Don't wait. Start now. Find your own personal recipe for happiness. For me, it looks like this:

simplicity + creativity = H A P P I N E S S

So, in the words of the late great Johnny Cash:

"Let's go. Time's a wastin."

You may also be interested in:

A new chapter: designing the life I want

Things I wish I could tell my 15 year old self

Hey sleep, I miss you...call me!?

How to wrestle against anxiety {and win}